What happens when you take The Ring, The Matrix, the Puffy Shirt episode from Seinfeld, and Harry Potter, and allow Jeremy Renner to shit them out in a steaming pile of pseudo-action/thriller/fairy tale poo? You get the movie Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunter, starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton. We last saw Renner kicking serious government ass in The Bourne Legacy. But not exactly in line with the spawn of Matt Damon’s Bourne franchise, Witch Hunter looks a lot like a campy, gun-wielding interpretation of the rather disturbing childhood classic about mythical sex offenders that no adult really wants to relive, like, ever.

I think the movie might look something like Dog The Bounty Hunter crusading through Hogwarts and taking out all the witches who are on Megan’s Law…while wearing leather chaps.  But as much as I love me some Harry Potter action, the machine gun-laden fairy tale just doesn’t tickle me the way the war between good and evil forces of magic does. Maybe it’s the mutant Siamese twin witch from the trailer. Or the painful “Say ‘hello’ to my millennial crossbow friend” vibe. Or the cheesy dialogue that will roundhouse you in the face with its Wisconsin cheddar stench. But, who knows? Rising star Jeremy Renner might surprise us all and smack us in the face with the new Lord of The Rings series or something. Or maybe not.