This week on The Bachelorette, we’ve jetted off to hot and steamy Croatia.

Emily delivers the first one-on-one date card, and Travis is the lucky winner to explore Dubrovnik with her. We learn that Travis was engaged before, but we find out he hasn’t dated any one since the engagement ended…which was two years ago, meaning he is either a huge loser or crazy.

Even though the date was relatively devoid of any butt-clenching awkward moments, Emily totally fakes Travis out by picking up the rose and basically wagging it in front of his face and then snatching it away. It was a total Angelica-from-Rugrats move. Travis spills some serious man juice when he leaves.

On the group date, the gang goes to see Disney Pixar’s Brave in a fine dose of cross promotion. Kudos to you, Disney-ABC, for your shamelessness. Everyone gives the movie glowing reviews, lest their roses automatically get revoked.

The men participate in the Highland Games while riding donkeys and wearing kilts, and there is also a guy who talks with what is definitely a fake Scottish accent. Here we get to see Chris shoot a bow and arrow like a pooping toddler and then  get disqualified from the log event cause his muscles function like deflating balloon animals, all while Sean is so beefy he split his log. Chris is probably feeling pretty emasculated right about now.

Then Chris tries to redeem himself by taking on Doug in a one-on-one body tugging event thing. No surprise that his Play-Doh muscles lead to another embarrassing loss. However, Emily gives him a mercy victory in the Bravery Cup, because it takes real bravery to be such a puss.

Arie says the non-word “shooken.” I officially hate him. Then he swallows Emily’s face against a wall.

Emily says the non-word “daggone.”  I officially hate her. Jef tells her he was scared to kiss her. Then he tells her a super secret…are you ready for it? He’s freaking crazy about her, guys! CRAZY.

Emily ends up giving Chris the group date rose even though he’s a sissy girl.

Before their one-on-one, Ryan lubes Emily up with his cheese whiz in front of the dudes, and I feel better about the other guys knowing that they make fun of him ceaselessly.

The two of them go oystering and Emily refuses to swallow the oyster.  Something tells me Ryan immediately lost interest in her.

Ryan objectifies Emily to her face and she isn’t immediately and completely offended by it. Then he reads her a list of qualities he’s looking for in a wife, which include words like ‘subservient’ and ‘attractive,’ but luckily this stunt doesn’t work, because she doesn’t give him to rose. Ryan is baffled and guffaws at her for a solid five minutes. He attempts a rebuttal to change her mind, but still gets the boot.

Arie pays Emily a surprise visit after her date with Ryan for a late-night booty call and to praise Emily’s character for kicking Ryan off. They roll around in her bed fully clothed like high schoolers. In his confessional, Arie says he’s in love and could ask her to marry him tomorrow, which is not at all excessive.

At the cocktail party, John/Wolf reveals that he carries his grandparents’ funeral mass cards around with us in a very weepy moment. He said he’s never told anyone that until now…so good, now the entire world knows.

Emily has to physically move Doug’s arms to pierce the force field of awkwardness surrounding them. Then Doug starts whisper-crying unintelligible sweet nothings about his son. He NEEDS to go.

During the rose ceremony, Emily has a freak-out moment and books it outside to go talk to Chris, who looks like he’s having a smoke break with a producer. For the second time tonight, she fakes everyone out, this time making you think no one is getting a rose, but actually keeping both dead-end dudes, essentially prolonging the inevitably agony.  So no back-of-the-limo sob seshes.

I must say, I was pleased that Emily had the sense to kick Ryan off, but she still doesn’t impress me as a human.

Next week’s episode takes the group to Prague. Also, we find out that Arie dated a producer, which seems to get Em all riled up. So juicy.