Hollywood must really be in a rut, because it’s taken to chewing up a decently entertaining movie from the same decade and spitting it out as a technologically enhanced version of itself. Enter The Amazing Spider-Man, a 3D regurgitation of the 2002 comic book favorite Spider-Man that starred everyone’s favorite tool, Tobey Maguire, as Peter Parker.

In the words of David After Dentist, is this real life? Is the value of the Spider-Man saga so great that it had to be told again for the benefit of all the ten-year-olds who weren’t born in time for the first movie and couldn’t possibly appreciate the story told in 2D format? (Their millennial eyes just won’t allow it.)….All I know is I did not request another Spider-Man.

It seems like just yesterday we had to endure three cheese balls of Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst building-jumping and web-throwing.  And even if you didn’t see it, no one could escape the frenzy over the sensory shitstorm that was Spider-Man on Broadway. The past decade has been an inexplicable Spidey deluge, and I don’t think I’m ready for another cyclical recycling of the angsty-teen-super-heroics trilogy.

Also, the villain in the new movie is called “The Lizard.”

Still, The Amazing Spider-Man is happening, and it does boast a pretty decent cast and some trippy video-game-like special effects that make it feel like I’m watching my twelve-year-old cousin play Xbox.

The new Peter Parker is played by Andrew Garfield (The Social Network), and his lady crush by Hollywood sweetheart Emma Stone (The Help), which is probably enough to get any dude to see the movie.  Also in the flick are Rhys Ifans, Martin Sheen and Denis Leary.

Given the gnarly special effects, intimate new look into Peter’s past, and Emma Stone, there are probably some Spider-Man fanatics out their who are totally blowing their webs over this new installment. It’s possible that we have a decent, albeit highly unnecessary flick on our hands.

Official Synopsis:

The Amazing Spider-Man is the story of Peter Parker (Garfield), an outcast high schooler who was abandoned by his parents as a boy, leaving him to be raised by his Uncle Ben (Sheen) and Aunt May (Field). Like most teenagers, Peter is trying to figure out who he is and how he got to be the person he is today. As Peter discovers a mysterious briefcase that belonged to his father, he begins a quest to understand his parents’ disappearance – leading him directly to Oscorp and the lab of Dr. Curt Connors (Ifans), his father’s former partner. As Spider-Man is set on a collision course with Connors’ alter-ego, The Lizard, Peter will make life-altering choices to use his powers and shape his destiny to become a hero.

The Amazing Spider-Man swings into theaters July 3.