Would the mothers of all the Belieber crazies out there still let their tweenage daughters fawn and gyrate over the Biebs if they knew he was wanted as a suspect for criminal battery?

Probably.

According to law enforcement, the big Bieby got in an altercation with a paparazzo attempting to take his and girlfriend Selena Gomez’s picture as they left their mall date in Calabasas. The photog called 911 complaining of chest pains (really dude? We’re talking about Bieber here–he is a walking squid), and when cops arrived, Bieber and Gomez already left to probably go make out in their parents’ basement. 

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Didn’t this guy know YOU DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH SELENA GOMEZ WITHOUT EXPLICIT BIEBER PERMISSION? YOU DON’T APPROACH HER–YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK AT HER. Obviously, that’s why Justin turned into a rabid chihuahua and almost killed a guy. He should consider changing the lyrics to his song “Boyfriend,” to “If I was your boyfriend, I’d throat chop anyone who breathed the same air as you.”

Witnesses confirmed that the photographer wouldn’t move from in front of the car when Bieber asked, so Justin hiked up his Hammer pants, did the moonwalk and whiffed his coif around, losing a shoe in the scuffle that ensued. I think it’s safe to assume Gomez was rocking back and forth in the fetal position, crying and and singing Disney songs to herself.

Between the young lovers’ outing at the local mall and the hormonally-basted squabble, this had all the teen angst makings of a legendary deodorant commercial.  “My deodorant always protects me when I’m protecting my lady.”  Think about it, Biebs.