John Mayer and Taylor Swift are having a balls-out battle for which singer can out-angst the other after Mayer said he felt “really humiliated” about the song “Dear John” Swift allegedly wrote about him. So far, my money’s on T-Swift for the win, because she still curls her hair into macaroni shapes like a seventh grader.

Minus ten for John Mayer not foreseeing that any sort of skin-to-skin contact with Swift automatically solidifies you a spot as the villainous heart-rapist on her next album.

Because Swift’s perceived age is proportionate to her talent to popularity ratio, I think we can figure her at around a mental age of twelve years old at the time of the song’s conception (/”Don’t you think 19 is too young to be messed with?”). So don’t feel too bad, John. What more could you expect from a prepubescent? We can’t necessarily hold Swift accountable for her unpalatable songwriting and juvenile revenge tactics.

Mayer did take a shot at her artistic integrity, saying her lyrical attack was “cheap songwriting.” John, you may be looking a little Edward Scissorhands for my taste these days, but you make a fine point. “Oh I’m Taylor Swift, it’s totally my shtick to just humiliate people by name instead of writing songs with symbolism and illusory hints like all those serious, complex musicians. Bonnie Bear, I see your Grammy and I’ll raise you a weepy John Mayer!”

My question now is whether Swift’s reaction to Mayer’s reaction will be in song form again. I think my brain might implode.