If you were expecting the season finale of The Client List to be a handjob and lingerie extravaganza with Riley and Evan finally getting their poke on, you were probably significantly disappointed.

Instead, the episode featured a lot of whiffed arm swinging and voice quivering.

The episode picks up right where last week left off. Kyle gives a heartfelt speech to Riley, and she slams the door in his mediocre-looking face. Go girl!

We segue into a montage of more flashbacks we’ve seen all season of Kyle being a grade A dick. Then the three amigos come clucking into the house like murderous townspeople with torches and pitchforks, looking for Kyle. Riley comes out wearing a leather dominatrix dress for just another day at the whorehouse office.

Georgia knows just the remedy for Riley’s my-husband’s-back-blues, which is apparently hitting busted appliance with baseball bats like barbarians. I mean, who hasn’t effed up an old stove to release some  tension? Every male viewer was waiting for that leather dress to split up the seam.

Kyle offers Linette and Lacey to take the kids to school, only to discover it’s summer break. A douche, and dumb too. Or maybe he’s still hopped up on all those prescription meds and can’t tell what season it is.

At The Rub, Georgia needs a vacation and recruits Riley to be the interim madam while she’s gone. Me thinks she might burn the place down or let the scrotum sluts run rampant or do something otherwise devastating for business.

Kyle goes to lunch with Lacey’s sackless husband, who reveals Kyle’s been gone for a year. Hold up. You mean to tell me Riley’s been doing a year’s worth of rubbing and tugging? That’s a lot of weenies.

Then Riley kind of kills a guy…As in an old dude client dies on her table. And instead of calling 9-1-1, they just leave him dead while his wife comes, who is played by Betty White. She ends of being super excited that her husband croaked, so every one is all happy and relieved and they just leave the dead guy there. So Betty’s White’s hyped up cameo lasted about five minutes, which is probably just as long as the good folks over at Lifetime could afford.

Kyle pretty much almost kills his daughter when he suggests putting peanut butter on her sandwich even though she is super allergic, like throat closing, face blowing up, EpiPen stabbing allergic. Way to be even worse of a dad than you already are, dude.

Evan confronts Kyle and sheds some bro tears, then puts his fist all up in Kyle’s face, but can’t go through with punchasizing it.

Enter Riley overstepping her bounds again as she re-hires Dee Ann while Georgia is gone. Dee Ann says playing with one ding-a-ling was “making her cray.” AKA she’s a super skank.

The sleazy cop comes into The Rub and offers Riley and the girls protection in exchange for their services. I wonder if this is foreshadowing something…

Back at home, Riley comes in and Kyle is at the house. Riley tries to beat the hell out of Kyle, but her hip huggers and sequin top restrict full arm flailing.

Evan comes over to inquire about where he stands with Riley, and Kyle sees them getting their flirt on. Things start to get intense between Kyle and pretty much every other character, but Riley gets a call from Georgia about picking up the client list at The Rub…because the only thing she can do right is give handies. Of course, Riley blows it and sets off the burglar alarm. I’m putting this one on Georgia for letting Riley do anything marginally important.

Kyle follows her to the spa and corners her so he could finally rationalize the whole abandoning the family debacle. He says she’s his whole life…Except for the drugs. And whatever he’s been doing for the past year. He also mentions the real reason he came back was because he heard Riley was in trouble. This was probably news to Riley for about 30 seconds, until the police lights outside started flashing and the cop with the heinous snakeskin boots shows up at The Rub.

And there you go folks, the season ends with nary a climax, leaving us with a set of serious blue balls until season two.