It was Billy Joel week on American Idol, so we’ll get the puns out now, Idol style.
And, in Idol style, LARGE letters filled the screen…
Saying goodbye to ones we love
Is never easy.
But for the 10 who remain
It is time to look ahead.
They must pick themselves up
And go on . . . .
Ok, first of all, fire the copy editor who let you put four periods in an ellipsis. Really.
The judges enter, Tyler looking like he just stepped out of Daniel Day Lewis’ Gangs of New York closet, J-Lo in leather, and Randy once again wearing a brooch that can only be described as “Al Jolson gets bedazzled.”
Seacrest asks Tyler what he thinks about the night’s theme, The Billy Joel Songbook:
I’m thinking…that if you can’t sing Billy Joel, you can’t sing at all.
Deandre “Vanilli” Brackensick was first, and Idol Stylist Tommy Hilfiger tells him that he loves his hair.
Hilfiger, in some lucrative cross-promotion with Fox has become the American Idol Style consultant, and he basically tells each contestant some nonsense while the actual American Idol stylist sits next to him looking like she’s waiting for a bus.
Hilfiger tells Vanilli that he wants to give him a look. “A look that enhances the look you have already.” It’s going to be a long night.
Deandre picks “Only the Good Die Young,” and this week’s mentor, Diddy says, “Billy Joel is at his hottest right here!” Diddy adds, “If he doesn’t have fun with that song…D.O.A.” Right on, Diddy.
Deandre’s performance is aw-ight. His style is, well, not that different. Thanks Tommy Hilfiger for adding a pair of hanging sunglasses to his t-shirt.
The staging of his performance is cheesy and reminds us of the wedding scene in Love Actually. Except that we enjoyed that movie, and this seemed like a bad cruise ship performance.
Erika Van Pelt is the first girl of the night, and she chooses “New York State of Mind.“ Diddy tells her not to over perform, and Jimmy Iovine agrees.
Then Tommy Hilfiger gets a hold of her…
Instead of giving her a plaid shirt, he tells her to cut her hair off. He then says that the votes will be positive…foreshadowing?
Van Pelt performs with her new coif–a very short, jet black cut, and she sings it well.
The judges love her new look and her vocals. Seacrest tells her that people are loving her new hair, according to Twitter. All of this positive feedback might spell doom.
Next up, baby Don Lemon—Joshua Ledet.
Joshua picks “She’s Got a Way,” but not before Tommy Hilfiger asks him what he wants to wear. Joshua says he was thinking about going all black, and Tommy tells him, NO. He then suggests a tuxedo and a black tie, which is sort of…pretty much all black.
Joshua is challenged with the pop song, and Diddy says that he needs to put his distractions aside, and once he does that, he’ll be magical.
But, Ledet’s performance is flat, and it’s almost as if he didn’t understand the song, which makes sense since he’d never heard it before he had to sing it. Joshua puts his soulful spin on the end, but is that enough to save it?
J-Lo feels that he didn’t connect, and Tyler says that he made the song come to life. Randy plays Switzerland and agrees with J-Lo and Tyler.
Baby Reba McEntire, Skylar Laine was next with “Shameless,”and she was starstruck by Diddy.
After she giggles for 10 minutes, she starts screaming the song, and Diddy tells her that it feels forced. He tells her not to overcompensate, and that’s solid advice.
Diddy says that he loves her natural vibe, and Jimmy Iovine tells Diddy, “You love that she loved you!”
We can’t say it enough: We ♥ Jimmy Iovine.
So, it was time for Tommy Hilfiger to step in, and he says that he wants to work with the look of her cowboy boots…and when Skylar performs, she’s wearing heels.
Her performance reminds us of Garth Brooks’ take on the song, which is a good thing.
The judges were satisfied with the performance, but they weren’t throwing major compliments at her.
Elise Testone followed with “Vienna,” a lesser known Billy Joel song.
Diddy gives her some microphone tips, and then Tommy Hilfiger says that he felt Elise was hiding her body.
Dirty Ke$ha’s about to get dirtier.
Hilfiger suggests some high-waisted bell bottoms, a short top and a jacket. Elise opts for a dress that shows some cleavage, and she kills the song.
The performance gets a standing ovation, and Randy bows in the Wayne’s World “we’re not worthy” way…
Tyler says it was fantastic, and J-Lo says that she’s so happy for her that she wants to shake her. J-Lo has a nanny, right?
P-Squared, Phillip Phillips was next. His song is “Movin’ Out,” which is a good fit. But first, Tommy Hilfiger tells him that he doesn’t want to be rude, but…P-Squared needs some style help. The folks at Old Navy can’t be happy about this.
In rehearsal, Diddy tells him to drop the guitar because it feels like a crutch.
Diddy says P-Squared should get into the groove, and Phillip tells him that he can’t do “The Diddy“…which means he’s really uncoordinated because “The Diddy” is about as complicated as a handshake.
P-Squared takes another shot, and Diddy’s entourage of 4 hot chicks loves it. Diddy really had 4 girls there just sitting around waiting.
For the performance, P-Squared wears a grey shirt over a gray shirt—exactly what Tommy Hilfiger told him not to wear. That alone should get him voted through to next week.
Phillips’ spin on the song works very well. He may look like he’s seizing when he sings, but he’s making face melts hip.
The judges love P-Squred because he’s original, and he doesn’t listen to anyone…and it still works.
J-Lo says that she felt like he was taking out some aggression on his mentors, but it was an awesome performance. Tyler says he took the song and he “Phillip Philipsed it.”
Then Tyler throws his scarf at him and says, “I think this scarf might help you.” E-Bay?
Those that do should
You just did cause you you doin’ you know who you are
That made sense to someone.
Tommy Hilfiger says that she doesn’t need to dress like a grandmother, which is what Jimmy Iovine said last week.
So, how about we lose Hilfiger and just let Jimmy dress these kids?
Diddy tells her how to connect to the song—she has to realize the disappointment and anger in the song.
In her performance, she’s dressed like she’s ready for a remake of Xanadu. And, she wears EXACTLY what Hilfiger told Elise Testone she should have worn…we’re glad Elise didn’t listen.
Her vocals are ok, but she misses some notes, which throws off her confidence. By the end, she looks like she has to pee.
Tyler says that she’s pitchy, J-Lo agrees saying that she missed some notes, and Randy adds:
Come on now. You’re better than that.
Moving on…Heejun Han, who is quickly becoming this season’s Sanjaya, was next with “My Life.”
Diddy tells Heejun that he has to take criticism well, and Jimmy tells him to use it as fuel.
Heejun’s wearing a shirt with giant letters on it that spell “Heejun,” and Diddy says, “I don’t know if he’s an actor…or a con man…I don’t even know if he’s Asian. He may be black. I haven’t figured him out yet.”
Tommy Hilfiger tries to get a look for Heejun, and Heejun doesn’t want any part of it.
Tommy gets frustrated, and we think this is the funniest thing that Heejun has done all season.
Heejun ends up wearing a tuxedo and skull cap…which he rips off at the top of the performance when he breaks into “My Life.” Underneath, he’s wearing a t-shirt with some colorful blocks on it, and Tommy Hilfiger is probably convulsing.
His performance is birthday party chic, and the judges get a kick out of it.
J-Lo says the performance was a breath of fresh air, but the vocals were lacking.
Tyler calls him “He-Man,” and gets angry like an old man who needs his fiber:
You know…I uh…
I’m a little tongue tied…
Are you happy that you took the piss outta that song?…
But, they (Jimmy and Diddy) were right…the music business will kick your ass.
At some point you gotta try and take it more serious.
Randy adds that it was entertaining, but that it missed vocally.
This is the point where Simon Cowell would have said, “It was like watching a drunk uncle singing karaoke at a wedding.”
Oh, and Heejun, you should try to hit some right notes too.
Jessica Sanchez followed, and Tommy Hilfiger picked a dress for her, which she actually wears on stage.
Jessica meets Diddy and she’s as excited as Baby Reba was when she met him.
Jessica’s song is “Everybody Has a Dream,” from Billy Joel’s album The Stranger. And, it’s a song that will be a stranger to most of the audience.
Diddy tells her that he doesn’t believe in her performance and that he thinks that she’s over singing the song.
She takes the notes, and her performance is solid. Shakespeare Tyler says:
Jessica Sanchez you’ve gone way past my judging. When God was handing out vocal chords, you were sooooo at the front of the line.
J-Lo says the song sounds like it was written for her, and Randy says that she has a moment every time she steps on the stage.
The last to take the stage was Colton Dixon, who tells Tommy Hilfiger that he wants to create his own, edgy style. Punk rock meets the military. Hilfiger says that Colton’s hair concerns him…because it’s a mullet.
Colton takes on “Piano Man,” and this should fit him well. Diddy says, “I actually wanted to buy that record when he got finished with it.”
Colton’s performs with a red piano, surrounded by spotlights. His hair looks like he’s wearing a ferret on his head.
The performance is good, and he updates the song, even if he squelches a bit too often on the high notes. But, he felt it, and the judges are happy.
Seacrest asks him what he thinks about when he sings, and Colton goes Tebow praising God and how he wants God to use him.
Colton, if God had any control over you, do you think he’d let you walk out with a squirrel taped to your head? WWJD? He’d cut your hair.
Elimination night started with more manufactured drama, which on American Idol means BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN!
THE TOOK ON BILLY JOEL…
THE HAMMER FALLS
ONE OF THEM GOES HOME
They used “Home” 3 times, in case you missed the 300 point font on the screen the first two times. Ugh.
The shows kicks off with a group performance of “The Longest Time,” which sounds like a number from a middle school production of Movin’ Out, the musical. At this moment, we wouldn’t blame Billy Joel for driving through someone’s house.
Next is a horrible Ford music video with special effects on par with Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
In case you wondered, Ford sponsors American Idol.
First to the stage to hear their fate are Hollie Cavanagh, Skylar Laine, and Elise Testone. After some Seacrest shenanigans, Hollie is told to pack her bags…for the Idol Top 10 mansion! Skylar is also safe, and Elise is left thinking she’s getting the boot. But, that’s not the case, right tricky Seacrest? Dirty Ke$ha is also safe!
Lana Del Ray sings her song “Video Games” which she butchered on SNL.
So, why not come on Idol and try again? Just like SNL, she didn’t really sing that badly. But she has the stage presence of a dust bunny, so it was once again incredibly boring, even if they dropped confetti at the end of her performance. When the confetti moves more than you do, you’re doing something wrong.
Next, they acknowledge Tyler’s birthday with the Top 10 singing to him…but wait, it’s not just the Top 10! Tyler’s band mate Joe Perry comes out with his guitar and plays Happy Birthday as the crowd sings to Tyler.
A shot of Liv Tyler and her kid, and then Tyler crying as some comic sans letters spell out “Happy Birthday” on the giant stage projector.
Shakespeare Tyler adds:
I’m a Rip Van Winkle, so I’m told,
I’m much too young to be this old
Next to the stage are Deandre “Vanilli” Brackensick, Joshua Ledet, and Jessica Sanchez.
Jimmy Iovine says that Deandre was frolicking like a bouncing ball and that he’s in trouble,
Jimmy also says that Joshua didn’t get the song, and he has to figure out how to win American Idol.
As for Jessica, Jimmy gives her A’s across the board.
Seacrest calls for the dimming of the lights for drama, and Jessica and Joshua are safe. That means that Vanilli is in the bottom three.
Time Filler #2:
American Idol Season 10 contestant Haley Reinhart performs her single, “Free,” and she’s a million times better than Lana Del Ray.
Her presence explains the random shots of Casey Abrams in the audience that have been popping up all night.
Haley starts off singing inside of a giant bird cage, which makes her look like a parakeet stripper. Eventually, the cage rises and she’s freed. Get it–she’s Free! Just like the title of the song. Idol, you never cease to amaze me. That is SO not a compliment.
Next up to hear their fate: Erika Van Pelt, Colton “Tebow” Dixon, Phillip Phillips and Heejun Han.
Jimmy says that Billy Joel e-mailed him to tell him that Colton did a great job. Jimmy agrees, and so does America. Colton is safe.
Jimmy adds that P-Squared shouldn’t be afraid to take some help from the mentors/stylists and that Erika deserves to be at the top.
As for Heejun, Jimmy says that Tyler was right to say that he was disprecting the process. Jimmy calls Heejun’s performance “4 minutes of a bad Adam Sandler movie that went straight to DVD.” Jack and Jill?
We said it before, we’ll say it again. We ♥ Jimmy Iovine.
More Seacrest hijinks, and P-Squared is safe, which means Erika and Heejun are in the bottom 3 with Vanilli.
So, who goes home? You find out…AFTER THE BREAK.
Seacrest sends Deandre to the safety stools first, leaving Erika and Asian Sanjaya in the bottom two. So, Heejun’s going home, right?
Nope. America F’d it up, and Heejun, who’s dressed like he’s getting ready to execute a cat burglary, gets sent to safety.
Erika sings again for the chance at a save, but the judges let her go. Again, they won’t use the save until they have to, and with P-Squared and Jessica Sanchez safe, that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
So, Erika and her hideous back tattoo get the boot, and some of the bad singers (Heejun) should consider playing the lottery tonight.
→ Randy, stop wearing brooches. Seriously Dawg, fire your stylist.
→ Heejun, stop trying to be funny. You’re annoying. Dane Cook is not someone to look up to.
→ Phillip Phillips, while we don’t blame you for not wanting to wear Tommy Hilfiger, at least iron your shirt.