Whoever told the Idol producers that starting every show with GIANT LETTERS on the screen was a grand idea should be punched in the face.
This week’s opening montage featured the voices of the Top 9 talking about their dreams of pursuing music and being on stage. As they spoke, GIANT LETTERS ran across the screen…as Stevie Nicks’ “Landslide” played…
When do you know…
You’re on the right path…
The chorus of the song kicks in and Nicks sings…
Well I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’…cause I’ve built my life around you…
More GIANT TEXT…
To achieve your dream?
But, did you know your dream…
Cut To: Shots of booted contestants, followed by: MORE GIANT TEXT
Came with a price?
The lyrics end with Nicks singing…
Will a landslide bring you down?…landslide bring you down?…
What is this? Is American Idol trying to go the route of The Hunger Games with this survival comes at a price crap? May the Odds Be in Ever in Your Favor, Top 9.
The judges enter…
Tyler wearing some shimmery pants, J-Lo in a white pantsuit that would’ve been worn by Marilyn Monroe if she hadn’t worn a dress in The Seven Year Itch, and Randy, for the first time in weeks, not wearing a brooch—instead opting for a necklace apparently made of Skittles.
Good luck tonight…and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Facepalm. I was being sarcastic, Idol.
Next, Tommy Hilfiger is back, spewing some crap about “ultimately, when you have talent and you have a sense of style, then you have the whole package.”
Cut to gratuitous shots of the new “Authentic Idol” clothing line by none other than Tommy Hilfiger, and I feel that Idol has taken whoring itself out to a level beyond Aerosmith.
This week’s mentor was Stevie Nicks, which explains the use of “Landslide” in the open, but doesn’t excuse the crap giant letters gimmick they use every week.
The theme of the show was “personal Idols,” which for the first contestant of the night was Jesus. But, Colton “Tebow” Dixon would settle for the band Lifehouse.
Nicks tells him to never cut his hair, and while we love Stevie Nicks’ voice, we can’t really take her advice on any sort of fashion choices. Colton tells Nicks that he cuts his own hair, and now the human squirrel makes total sense.
Colton sings Lifehouse’s “Everything,” saying it’s his favorite worship song. Attention Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow: We have your American Idol.
Colton’s performance is solid, even if he’s dressed like a space waiter. While he sings the song with God on his mind, girls across America think it’s for them, so whatever works, prayer boy.
The judges love the performance, and it’s deserved.
Ryan. Tonight…there’s 9 people left!
Hang on, hang on!
Just 9 people left. I’m looking now, Ryan.
9 weeks ago…I think I could be looking at a contender for the title!
Colton is definitely becoming a frontrunner.
The first lady of the night was Skylar Laine, whose Idol was Miranda Lambert. Her song was “Gunpowder and Lead,” and Nicks sings along with Skylar in rehearsal. Totes jeals.
Baby Reba’s performance is vocally solid, even if she seems to start off behind the music. But as usual, Skylar kicks in the afterburners during the chorus and brings it all home.
The judges are complimentary, and Randy says that he loves her range, but reminds her to remember that she’s telling a story when she sings.
Time Filler: A Top 9 trio pays tribute to Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac…
Colton, Elise Testone, and Phillip Phillips sing “Landslide,” and it’s actually good…until the have to sing together. Work on that kids. One verse in, Elise kicks the song into another one–”Edge of Seventeen” and shows why she deserves to be in the Top 9.
Dirty Ke$ha can sing! The medley wraps up with P-Squared breaking into “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” in which he face melts and pulls off another solid performance.
Next up, Heejun Han, who chose Donny Hathaway in an attempt to make up for being called out as a joke last week.
Jimmy Iovine said:
In rehearsal, we got a He-New-Jun. He came in with a spanking new attitude.
Jimmy and Steve like his rehearsal, and his performance of “A Song for You” is solid.
The judges give him a standing ovation, and Tyler says,
Hee-Man, you did it. You turned it around.
Come on. What are you doing up there? What are you doing?
Randy ends with:
Finally, the Heejun that we selected came back to us tonight.
Welcome back brother, welcome back.
There we go…
Come on now
Stevie Nicks tries to get some emotion out of Hollie by telling her that her mother died two months ago, and this makes Hollie want to cry. Why don’t we also tell her that Disneyland burned down?
If that doesn’t make her belt out “Jesus Take the Wheel,” nothing will. Her rehearsal is solid, and it makes Stevie Nicks cry, which makes Hollie realize that she can make old ladies cry.
Hollie performs live in what looks like a sequined white leather dress, and we want to know if we can offer Tommy Hilfiger up in The Hunger Games.
Hollie performs well, but she’s no Carrie Underwood. Still, the judges like the performance.
Randy says the performance was pitchy, but overall good. J-Lo loves it, and Tyler says that he wished she’d sung a different song because it was just OK for him.
Next up, Deandre “I look like the keyboard player from Bon Jovi” Brackensick.
As he enters rehearsal, Jimmy tells him that he has Stevie Nicks’ old haircut.
We say this every week, and we really can not say it enough. We ♥Jimmy Iovine.
Deandre sings Eric Benet’s “Sometimes I Cry,” and Stevie doesn’t like it because it’s too fast, so he slows it down. Stevie and Jimmy tell him to connect with the audience if he wants to win.
Bon Jovi keyboardist’s performance is a bluesy soulful display of his falsetto. The ladies will love him, but will that get him votes?
The judges give him a standing ovation, and Tyler says this was what his voice was made to do, adding:
You gave Prince a run for his money.
J-Lo tells the audience to pick up their phones and vote for Deandre, and Randy finishes with:
That’s who you are.
That’s what you should do.
And by the way, Jennifer, Steven…Heejun’s back but guess who else who’s back in the house?
Deandre’s back, Ryan!
In her performance she wears a dress that looks like it came from an 80′s Geisha prom, but her take on “Sweet Dreams” is solid.
J-Lo loves the performance, and Steven loves her dress, which explains a lot about his fashion choices.
Tyler then calls her performance delicious. Randy adds that “stars are truly born” and that she innately has an “unbelievable talent.”
Time Filler #2:
A Micheal Jackson medley by Bon Jovi’s keyboardist, Asian Sanjaya, and Baby Don Lemon (Deandre, Heejun and Joshua).
All three gentlemen don fedoras and pull of a stronger medley than the Fleetwood Mac one performed earlier.
Tyler is seen mouthing “I like that,” and J-Lo says it was perfect…then bitch slaps them by saying,
I have to say, I’m glad you’re not here for “So You Think You Can Dance.”
Phillip Phillips followed with Jonny Lang’s “Still Rainin’.” In rehearsal, Stevie Nicks tells Phillip:
Had you been Lindsey’s (Buckingham) and my friend in 1975, Mick Fleetwood would’ve said, “I want all three of you to join Fleetwood Mac.”
No doubt in my mind…because you’re that good.
On stage, P-Squared brings it as usual, and the crowd goes crazy. This time he’s playing an electric guitar and he sings like he’s on a national tour of awesome.
Another standing ovation from the judges, and J-Lo says that when he sings she feels the music.
Tyler adds that he loves it, and Randy name drops that he’s friends with Jonny Lang. He finishes with:
To me, being an artist today is about being individual…
Dude you got that, phenomenal
You got big things in front of you. Big props, I loved it. Loved it.
Joshua Ledet was next, and his song was Mariah Carey’s version of “Without You.” Stevie tells him that he’s hitting the notes, but it needs to look effortless. She says if he starts flat, “he’s a goner.”
Joshua comes out dressed in Hugh Heffner’s robe and slays the song.
Another standing ovation…
Randy name drops again saying that he was talking to Mariah Carey yesterday, and that she would be proud of Joshua’s performance.
Tyler says that he doesn’t know what’s going on tonight, but everyone is pushing beyond their limits.
J-Lo wraps it up saying that he’s a phenom.
Time Filler #3:
Hollie, Skylar and Jessica take on a Madonna medley. They start with “Like a Prayer” and remind us of a time when Madonna was awesome.
The medley is aw-ight, and we wished we’d spent that four minutes on Youtube watching an actual vintage Madonna video.
The last performance of the night went to Elise Testone, who picked Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love.” Jimmy and Stevie love Dirty Ke$ha and are impressed with her take on Led Zeppelin.
Then Stevie sang with Elise, and they sounded pretty damn good together. This excited Jimmy, who clapped like a happy seal.
Elise’s live performance rocked, and even though she was wearing the same pants as Steven Tyler, she nailed the vocals.
The judges are happy, but no standing ovation…oh, wait…standing ovation! It’s the new black.
I didnt’ wanna get up! I didn’t wanna get up! You made me get up!
Elise, I wasn’t sure how you were gonna pull that off, ’cause nobody could pull that off…you made Robert Plant proud tonight, girl. Nice!
Randy wraps it up with:
Listen, that’s the hardest song in the world to sing. All the flavor he put in that…
Dude, you did an amazing job. Congrats!
So, everyone performed well, and elimination night could end badly for any of the Top 9.
Elimination night started with…wait for it…more GIANT LETTERS on the screen. As the judges comments from the previous night played, we saw bits of the previous night’s performances as these words hit the screen:
Everyone has in IDOL
Everyone has their FAVORITE
no one wants the journey to end
Seacrest announces that Aerosmith is going on tour, and American Idol’s position as the biggest pimp on television is secure.
Tyler says that the tour is called The Global Warming Tour “because of the fire…yo tengo el fuego.” Facepalm.
An awful Ford music video followed, then there was a montage of the Idols moving into the Idol mansion!
The mansion is insane. As they get out of their Ford vehicles, Heejun says, “I’ll take that room.” He claims the first room…foreshadowng?
First to hear their fate: Elise Testone, Phillip Phillips, and Hollie Cavanagh.
Jimmy says that Elise is coming on strongly, and that Steve Nicks believes in Phillip Phillips, and Stevie Nicks is rarely wrong. As for Hollie, Jimmy says she lacks experience.
Seacrest calls for the dramatic dimming of the lights, and Hollie is in the bottom three.
Time Filler: Nicki Minaj, who’s dressed like she dipped herself in glue and ran through a party streamer factory.
She lip-synchs through “Starships,” and it’s still better than a lot of the contestants’ performances this season.
More Results: Colton Dixon, Joshua Ledet and Heejun Han get called to the stage.
Last night, Randy made it sound like were were in a boxing match.
Yes, we’ll say it again: We ♥ Jimmy Iovine.
Jimmy says that Colton was good, but not good enough and that Joshua delivered 85% of the song. He adds that he doesn’t feel Heejun sings as well as the other contestants on the show.
This draws boos from the audience, and Seacrest says, “It should be Harshtag, not Hashtag, Jimmy,” in reference to Idol’s Twitter account. If Seacrest didn’t ad-lib that, please fire the writer who wrote it.
The lights are dimmed, and Colton and Joshua are safe, so Heejun is in the bottom three.
Time Filler #2: Scotty McCreery.
Last Season’s Idol winner Alfred E. Neuman performs…
McCreey has a great voice, even if the song he sang sucks. After, Jimmy Iovine comes out and presents Scotty with a platinum album, which means 1 million people payed to hear that crap song he just sang.
The last to hear their fate are Skylar Laine, Jessica Sanchez, and Bon Jovi’s keyboardist.
Jimmy says that Deandre needs more experience, Jessica sings like an experienced pro, and Skylar brings it every time.
And, Jessica and Bon Jovi are safe, which means Baby Reba is in the bottom three.
Seacrest calls for the dimming of the lights…again. And, Skylar and Hollie are safe, which means that Heejun is headed back to Flushing.
Heejun sings again for a chance at a save, but the judges bid him farewell because with Jessica and and Phillip Phillips still in the game, they won’t use a save until they have to.
Good luck, Heejun. Last Comic Standing should be holding auditions soon.
→ What happened to Seacrest starting each episode with “THIS is American Idol!”?
→ Randy, stop saying that singers “sang the ‘I don’t know what’ out of it!”
→ Randy—why no brooch this week? And, what’s with the candy necklace? Dawg, seriously, fire your stylist.