American Idol was back to basics this week—no overly dramatic open…no need to throw things at your television.  Yet.

It was back to the classic American Idol opening:

Seacrest announces that it’s Queen night and brings back “This is American Idol!”

The Judges Enter:

Tyler wearing a jacket he tailored with a paper shredder, J-Lo in the latest from the C-3PO by MC Hammer line, and Randy once again wearing a stupid brooch that spells out “Yo.”

Yo, Randy, fire your stylist.

Note:  Seacrest is sporting a pompadour that would make Bruno Mars envious.

This week, the Idols were mentored by Queen’s Roger Taylor and Brian May, and the night starts off with a less than royal Queen medley by the Top 6.

We’re 5 minutes into this show, and we miss Freddy Mercury.

Seriously, this Queen medley sucks. 

Not because the music is bad–it isn’t.  But, the singing is awful.  Did Heejun Han arrange this?

Tonight, each singer will take on 2 songs.  One chosen by the contestant, the 2nd chosen by Queen…that song would obviously be a Queen song.  We haven’t started and we already miss Adam Lambert.

 

 

First up, Jessica Sanchez with “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The entire performance is shot in black and white, because Queen’s original video for “Bohemian Rhapsody” was shot in black and white, right?

WRONG. 

Idol, you suck.

They even try to copy the multi-face on the screen effect from the video, but it’s not enough.

The judges seem happy and give Jessica good feedback.  It’s Top 6; they’re back to being nice.

Skylar Laine was next with “The Show Must Go On,” and she manages to put her twang on a rock song.

The judges love it.  Tyler mumbles some nonsense that might make sense to his nurse, and J-Lo claims to have gotten goosebumps, but we think she’s just cold because her midriff is bare.  Shakespeare Jackson ends it with:

Dude!
Yo!
Ryan!
This girl right here…
She’s gotta have it.

We don’t think Randy has quite figured out what that insinuates.

Joshua Ledet followed with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” and he puts his usual tricks on a rock and roll song.

He yells a little and scowls, like usual, but this song doesn’t call for that. Still, the audience is on its feet–probably because someone in front of them stood up (Joshua’s family), and it easily becomes a domino effect to be able to see the stage.

The judges give him a standing ovation, because they will say nothing negative to Joshua.  Ever.

Randy goes nuts:

Vocals:  Four checks!
Performance:  Four checks!
I mean…
Character, charisma:  Four Checks!

I guess we now know how the judges judge–a four check system.

J-Lo says that Joshua’s part of the show is her favorite, so that should get him some votes.

Tyler makes a sound that sounds like “Hmmmm…” and that’s where he wet himself.

Elise Testone was next with “I Want It All,” and she screams through the performance.  She also plays a tambourine, and by play we mean shakes randomly.  So, that should merit more praise since the judges are back to their “we picked these people, so we HAVE to say they’re awesome” stage.

Tyler says it was great, but his jacket looks like he ironed it with an Xacto knife, so we can’t believe him.

J-Lo and Randy are also complimentary, but I can’t trust a guy whose jacket yells out “Yo.”

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:  Phillip Phillips

P-Squared takes on “Fat Bottomed Girls,” which was the first part of the medley. And, we’re glad he sang it again because the Top 6′s medley sucked fat bottoms.

Phillips sports a seemingly new crappy t-shirt, does his usual Phillip Phillips thing and the judges love it.  Because the judges love everything tonight.

Time for Tyler to go crazy:

Hey, fat bottom girls…
I guess it only goes to prove
The bigger the cushion…
The bigger the cushion…

There’s something wrong there, clearly.  J-Lo jumps in with “Why you lookin’ at me?”

Uhm, because you have an ass the size of Alaska?

Tyler adds that he loves watching P-Squared sing because he loves watching him run out of breath.  Because that reminds him of himself trying to get out of bed every morning.

Randy adds the night’s first moment of honesty when he says he didn’t love it.  The crowd boos, because they are also deaf and want to bang Phillip Phillips.

Hollie Cavanagh finishes up Round 1 with “Save Me.”  Subliminal cry for help?  Yep.

She’s dressed in a red silk pantsuit that looks like something Hillary Clinton would wear to a rave.  She’s also wearing the largest crystals you’ve ever seen as a necklace.

Wilma Flintstone would be jealous.

Hollie sings well—probably better than in most weeks.  But, once again she’s as exciting as a dry English Muffin, and J-Lo calls her out for over thinking the performance.

Randy adds:

Well said.
Jennifer, that was very well said.

Thankfully, the first round is over.

Round Two starts with Jessica Sanchez.  Her choice is “Dance with My Father,” which is a song that usually makes people cry—because it reminds people of Luther Vandross…and he’s dead.

Jessica decides that if Elise can use her sick dog as a ploy for votes, she can use the fact that her Dad is being deployed to get votes.

Vote for Jessica or you hate Our Troops.  Point, Jessica.

The judges go crazy and can’t say enough good things about Jessica’s performance…because they saved her just two weeks ago.

Skylar Laine was next with “Tattoos on This Town,” by Jason Aldean.  She sings it well, as Skylar does because it’s a country song.

Randy says:

Listen…
I am a ginormous fan, that’s bigger than giant–ginormous
You know…my own language
I love…Dude

YO, Randy.  Ginormous is a word in our language: English.  True story.

Joshua Ledet’s personal song choice was India Arie’s “Ready For Love,” and it starts off slowly.

He doesn’t scream or scowl or hit some crazy note, so it’s basically a nice vocal from a guy who can sing really well.

The song is short, because they probably cut out three versus to make it fit into a two hour show.

The judges once again give him a standing ovation, and we only applaud because it gives us a chance to see J-Lo’s tummy.

Then J-Lo says:

That was transcendent…You know what it is?  You snap us right into reality.

So, not transcendent?

Again, if we didn’t love to look at her, we’d want to flick J-Lo in the ridiculously toned belly.

Tyler says that he’s snapped into reality by the way Joshua sings, and also by the fact that he can’t remember where he lives.

Elise Testone followed with an obscure Hendrix track, “Bold As Love,” which is a bad choice considering that the American Idol audience is still Googling “Queen” from the first hour.

She sings well and screeches and scowls in all the right places.  But unlike a Hendrix audience, this live studio audience isn’t stoned and experiencing free love, so the song choice doesn’t hit the mark.

Tyler criticizes her for not picking a familiar song and since he’s finally making sense we know that he’s awake after being on the stage for 96 minutes.

 

J-Lo agrees with Tyler, but still praises the vocals.  Randy ends it with:

For me it wasn’t the right song for this time in the competition…
I felt like once again you were boxing with the song…

This makes ginormous amounts of sense, Dawg.

Now, the moment all of the ladies and gays have been waiting for:  Phillip Phillips

The Dave Matthews prodigy takes on…Dave Matthews’ “The Stone” as a brick wall is projected behind him.

Dear Idol,
Try harder.
Please.

Love,
Everyone who is still giving you a chance because New Girl is only on Tuesday nights.

Tyler raves at Phillip Phillips’ Dave Matthews impersonation saying that it was “off the wall”—maybe because there was a brick wall projected behind him.

J-Lo speaks the truth when she tells him not to pick obscure songs, which is the first sound advice given to Phillip.

Randy disagrees with J-Lo and says that P-Squared showed his true colors once again—and his colors are Dave Matthews.

Hollie Cavanagh wraps up the night with Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb,” and we hate it just because it’s a Miley Cyrus song.

Once again, Hollie sings well, but so did the other five.  And, since watching Hollie is as exciting as watching ice cubes get hard in a freezer, she’s definitely going home soon.

But, the judges give her a standing ovation because compared to every other Hollie performance, she didn’t look like a deer in the headlights. But, it’s really the equivalent of a participation trophy in t-ball.

Everybody wins.  Except they don’t.

Elimination Night:

Elimination Night started with Idol’s favorite thing:  BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN as Queen music and highlights from Queen night played…

THE FINISH LINE IS ALMOST WITHIN REACH.
ONE OF THEM WILL BECOME A LEGEND…

AND ONE OF THEM IS GOING HOME.
WHO WAS WORTHY OF YOUR VOTES?

TONIGHT

ANOTHER ONE ONE BITES THE DUST

Yes, they went there.

The Judges Enter:

J-Lo in a backless dress that was constructed from a chandelier and lace, Randy wearing a giant necklace with a ridiculous “Yo Yo Yo” pendant and another giant flower on his lapel, and Tyler looking like a lost member of a barbershop quartet.

First up for elimination:  Elise Testone and Jessica Sanchez.

Jimmy says that “Bohemian Rhapsody” was a mistake for Jessica.  Then, Jimmy brings the Jimmy truth.

Jessica singing Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” was just a plain old mistake.
And then, add to it the 3 faces of Jessica that came on the screen…
That bit was less Queen and more Steven King.

We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again:  We ♥ Jimmy Iovine.  Lots.

 

On to Elise Testone.  Jimmy says Elise picked the wrong Queen song, and that it didn’t move him.

He also says that her choice of Hendrix was bad, and Elise is in the Bottom 3.

Time Filler:  A performance from last season’s Sanjaya–Stefano Langone  

And, he still sucks.  A lot.

Next up to hear their fate:  Hollie Cavanagh and Joshua Ledet.

Jimmy says that Hollie did a good job, and gives her a B+ for her Queen song.

Jimmy adds that Joshua impressed him with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” because it showed he knew how to interpret a song.

Jimmy says that if Joshua gets voted off, there is something wrong with the competition.

And, finally, Hollie is in the Bottom 3.

Time Filler #2:  Katie Perry performs “Part of Me” dressed in military garb.

We’re not sure why she’s dressed like G.I. Jane, but whatever.  She’s still better than Hollie Cavanagh.

Skylar Laine and Phillip Phillips are next on the chopping block, and Jimmy says Skylar was very competent taking on Queen.  But, he felt that her country song was self-indulgent.

As for P-Squared, Jimmy felt that he was having a rough time.  He says that P-Squared’s take on “Fat Bottomed Girls” was flat and that the Dave Matthews song was a mistake.

Jimmy adds that he’s glad the judges couldn’t agree on Phillip’s performances:

The song caused a disagreement amongst the judges last night
I can’t tell you how happy I was to see that…
because when they agree all the time, I fall asleep

Once again, we ♥ Jimmy Iovine.

But, America loves their Phillip Philips and Skylar is in the Bottom 3…and 3 seconds later, Seacrest sends her to safety.

So, the bottom two are Elise Testone and Hollie Cavanagh.  We all know Hollie should be out, but will she be?

We find out after the break…

Once again, Hollie Houdini survives, and Elise Testone is sent packing.

Hollie looks confused at the announcement, and that’s probably because of the boos heard in the audience over the general quiet that filled the room.

Next week, the Top 5 will continue with the British theme as they take on songs from across the pond.  Let’s just hope they don’t do a medley.